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In late breaking news we can report another death from the killer calculator stalking cyber space. It was here, in a small country town in Australia where a man was surfing the Net to see if his child support would rise under the proposed new formula. Five minutes later he was dead. He had made the fatal mistake of using to get a report on his future.

For illegal reasons we can not use this man's name on the Internet, so we call him Sam. Sam resides with his Significant Other who refers to herself as Suffering Partner. For illegal reasons she is able to supply her name, but doesn't. We caught up with Suffering on the way to the funeral home.

"He just got this report from and said 'Oh my God this is fantastic information - I ain't seen stuff like this for years, oh my God, oh my heart', and then he croaked"

Sam leaves behind Suffering Partner, 2 new kids, 2 old kids, a horse, 2 dogs and a white 1993 Toyota with blue imitation suede velour seat covers.

Doctor X is a frantic phycologist [often seen on CSI, sponsored by KFC] who has seen many of these mystery cases involving [not sponsored by McDonalds, as yet] and he appears in our studios [backwards, as for illegal reasons he is not allowed to show his face on radio]

"I am not allowed to show my feet on radio for illegal reasons"

"We just said that - get on with it"

"OK, don't get testy - well this is most definitely another case of TICA which stands for Technology Induced Cardiac Arrest - essentially it attacks people in the I.T. Industry and makes no distinction between those who started life in I.T. and those who slithered there from proper computing. Essentially it places before the person's persona a portal, if you will, of what can still be done in computing, despite the I.T. Industry."

"Yes, go on"

"To not put too fine a point on it, it is the contrast between the [not yet sponsored by Henny Penny Chicken] and what crap the person is doing now that causes the problem. Particularly at risk are those who screwed people for millions with the Y2K fraud where the demons come right out of the cupboard and sit on the bloke's keyboard, so as to speak - in his mind that is"

"OK, Right! - interesting"

"Well that's it - TICA takes hold and the ticka stops ticking"

"So why are most of the victims of [not yet approved by George Bush as a defence to WMD] in fact men?"

"Well obviously women aren't stupid enough to do I.T."

"All right - so this is sort of beam me up Scottie stuff"

"I never said that"

"Thank you Dr X - We have contacted a government official to comment on this latest death."

"As I am from the government I am not allowed, for illegal reasons, to bare my teeth on radio"

"Can we just dispense with that shit please?"

"OK, what we have here is a woman, Suffering Partner, who is being denied the right to ride in Sam's 1993 Toyota sitting on the fake blue velour seat covers beside her significant other"

"Hang about - isn't it Sam who is dead?"

"Yes, but the AIFS study #358 Vol #935 says men show no feelings - and as you say he is dead, so he can't have any feelings to show."

"Guess you got a point - but aren't you just being sexist?"

"Not at all, you will recall our Semi Demi Denco we did on Helen DarvelDenko. We are simply the thought police - we see people thinking, our job is to stop it for their own good"

"How's that work?"

"Well take this poor chap - your government pays CSA COATs to explain to people like Sam how to think, we even fund men's groups to steer him to our help in case he gets lost along the way. But Sam slipped through the cracks and decided to do his own thinking and you can see the result, he got TICAed like the rest of them. We had already COATed him so he should have just accepted our advice."

"So this is just a new thing - right? while we have a war on terror? there will be a sunset clause?"

"I don't follow you, we have never allowed the people to think, and we take the death seeeeriously, very seeeeeriously" [said with a Peacock/Downer concerned voice]


"TICA is essentially domestic violence so because all domestic violence is done by men then this is a job for The Person Advising the Person who Advises the Person Advised for the Office of the Status for Women to the Prime Minister - Kay Patterson"

"Why does the PM need to be advised on women - no forget that question - and what will she do?"

"Castrate him I guess - normal stuff, dead or alive - got any better suggestions?"

"... errrr - No!"

So if you are brave enough take a look at The Amazing All-Singing All-Dancing CSA Calculator

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