THE TRUTH ABOUT WONGAS

You will have seen and heard a lot about Wonga attacks of late, mainly at the Australian Open Tennis in Melbourne. Yes there has been some Horror, especially the attack on Lleyton Hewitt's what-nots, but to compare that to terrorism seems a bit off.

So we intend to cut to the chase and provide the photo evidence up front and then tell you of our exciting new research findings on these Warm & Cuddly critters.

Please watch the Movie and then scroll down to the Photo Evidence and Breaking News

WONGAS - THE MOVIE

The movie will start by itself once it does a bit of buffering

Hover mouse over movie to activate controls for mute, restart etc

WONGAS - THE ATTACK

Like their ancestors the Raptors, attacking is their "day job" [or in fact their night job].

Please click on the photos to see all.

WONGAS - THE PROMOTION

Wongas are possibly the world's greatest tarts when it comes to any sort of self promotion.

Please click on the photos to see all.

WONGAS - THE RETALIATION

Here we see some methods used to retaliate against a Wonga. Some work, some don't [alas].

Please click on the photos to see all.

We will go straight to press with this breaking news in photo record, but stay tuned for the boring part about our exciting discoveries and delicious DNA deliberations.

WONGAS - THE BREAKING NEWS

In my Wongiobiological [new pronk there] studies, two things have always stood out [like the proverbial Wonga's Balls]. Firstly no Wongas were sighted before 1995 and secondly there is no fossil record of Wongas. But still they ARE a reality.

The breakthrough came when, whilst "fishing on R&R" on Wonga Beach I came across a canister marked "[former] Property of Jurassic Park, Hollywood" and there was an email address for a "dodson" the details of which "I will not utter here".

I put 2 & 2 together [I think it was 4] and all became clear "as if hit in head by a diamond bullet". This was the canister we firstly saw Nedry fill in Jurassic Park and which we then saw get washed to sea as Nedry got his Come-Uppence. But here is the punch line, while there were slots for "the Nine" dinos in the canister, "we had all been deceived" and an extra slot was marked "Wonga".

My ongoing conclusions were based upon an understanding of the dynamics of the man we are talking to here, Nedry. Born at an early age to fat arsed parents, young Dennis was up against the 8 ball from the start. At school the kids would chant "Nedry the Nerdy" and in fact the term "Nerd" got pronked there and then.

So Nerdy transposed his Lard Arse into the Jurassic Park "thing". But why not a bit of revenge? Why not a new creature to make people wish they had never called Dennis Lard Arse? Now as we see in Jurassic Park, cloning a new "thing" is a doddle and similar to building a curry - like a bit of this, a bit of that, and that is what Dennis did.

Jurassic Park Lab had DNA from everything ever bitten by a Mozzie, so Dennis just mixed a few bits to get his Wonga, a creature that looked quite harmless in his own Lard Arse Image but had the agility of one of the Raptors that in fact ate him up, Lard Arse and all. But Dennis was not to know that at the time of course.

And so finally we must talk to the Australian Open matter. The answer is very simple. Dennis was very keen on Wombles, which are the cute critters that descend upon the hallowed turf of Wimbledon every year, and there was ample Womble DNA floating around at Jurassic Park. So Dennis had mixed in 31.67% of Womble DNA in making his Wongas, explaining why Wongas too have such an affinity for Tennis Grand Slams.